Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
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Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30