Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
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“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?