Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
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getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Calling someone a “tough cookie” isn’t a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”