Are kids ever okay at all?😂
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Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Perfect
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I really would love to see two mimes arguing