Are kids ever okay at all?😂
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Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Look Ma, no handle on things
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.