Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
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I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Snack for election night!
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
I fixed it. For me
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
anyone else like Italian cereal
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Dead sexy!!
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
This is a whole mood;
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT