Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
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*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for