Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
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Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.