Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
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I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
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My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.