Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
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when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
💻🤡
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Creative Problem Solving
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog