Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
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The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.