Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
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Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
if a staircase can spiral so can i.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin