Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.

🤣🤣🤣

[before sex]

her: can u put something on

me: sure

her: is that just the jeopardy theme song

me: no

her:

me: it’s the whole episode

You can’t spell dyslexia without sexy.

Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.

Duck typos.

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

Him: you’re beautiful.

Her: no I’m not, hehe.

Him: yes, you are.

Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.

Him: oh, ok. I see it now.

I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn

Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.

Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.

Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.

LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡

Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken

So…a deer was nice

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!

The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them

me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head

WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?

ME: No but I have a sexy stapler

I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?

If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?

Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA