Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??
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But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
This hospital has everything
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*