Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
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Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Challenge accepted.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.