Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.

Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?

Me: Yes, socks

Toddler: No!!

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.

commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat

Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”

[Couples Therapy]

HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead

HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26

ME: OMG SEE!

A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.

“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”

Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have

I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met

Awesome parenting 😂

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”

My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ

I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”

To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.

Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.

Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy

Just to piss off my kids

I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now

Bitcoin. Toothurt.

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill

[talking to my son]

Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name

Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.

If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.

Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers