Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
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This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.