Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
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The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Reporter: *ports again*
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Some people stay longer in a toilet than in a relationship.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with