Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
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turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
this chia pet tastes awful
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
look at me when i’m typing to you
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.