Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
You Might Also Like
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
#CatsOnTwitter
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?