Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why don’t you sing about it?

– Walt Disney as a therapist

10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22

– Parallel parking my time machine

ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this

I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular

Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?

shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit

Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.

Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels

Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?

[first episode of tv show]

Guy: Hi

Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years

My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?

Hilarious if literal: arms race

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

I get distracted pretty eas

Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*

and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this

– me on my own cooking show

Nobody:

NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!

is it earth

Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!

Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?

Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

every olympics i turn into this guy

@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉

“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

[2 Years into Cosmetology School]

Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?

me: [has anything]

my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that

imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out

The struggle is real.

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.