Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
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Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Love is always patient and kind.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it