Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!

Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.

Me: 3 miles today.

Him: On the treadmill?

Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.

No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch

We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”

Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him

Mad Max Arctic Road

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: The warrant probably

Officer: You have a broken… what

Me: What

Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.

4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…

The Person Who Discovered Sharks

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.

I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato

I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”

HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.

under no circumstances will my brother take the L

i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻‍♀️

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids

One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.

“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

Them: how does 9am sound?

Me: sounds like you’re dead to me

Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.

I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.

Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.

Cop: you know why I pulled you over?

Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?

C: step out of the car, sir.

Me: see, I told ya.