Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
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i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
👽
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.