Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000

her: sure

me: k

Big Sex has us all fooled

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you

nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early

jeff bezos: moon’s unionized

nasa employee: what?

jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized

As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!

They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:

A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

A penguin’s resolutions:

-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet

Ad: You like to save money, right?

Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary

THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊

Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.

Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.

Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible

Her: You’ve changed.

Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.

I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.

Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.

I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness

I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day

I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’

I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER

I’m confused about plants

I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.

They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.