Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
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*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.