Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
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DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Not all heroes wear capes…
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Wife: this is why I don’t take you shopping
Me: [hiding in the middle of a department store clothes rack] try to find me
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest