Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
I told my son to do something, and he gave me that ugh attitude. My daughter looked at him, “THIRTY SIX hours!” To remind him how long I was in labor with him lmao
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
President The Rock Obama
![]()
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
![]()
Tammy is short for Tamuel
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”
It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
Mike is short for Micycle
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?