Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
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Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
We’re over here teaching our kids math and history when what we really need to be teaching them is how to open a package or box of food without mangling it beyond recognition.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Jogging
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
