Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
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i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
the saddest jazz hands ever
