Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
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i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I need to sieze this.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
what kind of cook setting is this??
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.