Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
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this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats