Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
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me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?