“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
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Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
I like how “not my circus, not my monkeys” softly implies that you DO have a circus—perhaps even complete with monkeys—but this isn’t it
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.
Friend: Including you?
Me: Actually, scratch that idea.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl