“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
You Might Also Like
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.