Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?
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Shower sex be like:
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
And now we wait
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.