Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you have any dreams?

Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…

Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT

The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

[God making spaghetti]

ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?

GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.

*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

Choose your own adventure:

S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P

Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?

There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.

Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor

(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

Derek: You wanna go out again some time?

Stephanie: Sure, name the date!

Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’

Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible

i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right

-Goldilocks on Tinder

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm

the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish

[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*

Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.

FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom

Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.