Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.

Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.

Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.

🤣

I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?

Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.

parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys

kids: oh worddddd

Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.

friend: I love your cookies

me: it’s a secret family recipe

friend: wow

me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family

Here I am, block me like a hurricane.

Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol

[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”

I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.

check in attendant: are you flying alone?

me: I’ll probably need a pilot

I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.

Neighbor: can you watch my dog?

Me: like through your window?

N: no, I meant like-

Me: cause I don’t do that now

N: watc-

Me: okay once

Too easy.

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope

executioner: how are you talking

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

[At the therapists]

Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.

Therapist: That’s the spirit!

Me: Holy shit! Where?

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it

“Morning, how was your weekend?”

I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..

That is the Aldi’s experience

Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.