Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
You Might Also Like
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.