Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
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Print is alive and well!!!
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes