are there any atheist mantises?
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[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was