Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭

My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.

SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.

i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better

I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.

Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.

I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.

Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away

*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon

my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza

lab staff: what is ..peet-za?

my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating

Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?

*shoots kneecap*

How bout now?

Stuff the woman sitting in front of me has googled in class today:
Henry Cavill
Clam chowder
New England clam chowder
Where is New England
Old England
Henry Cavill

And, no, it’s not a chowder class.

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.

5: water poops dirt

me: only bodies poop

5: you said the lake is a body of water

me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own

Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.

Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”

Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”

If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women

“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.

What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill

A lambslide

Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

Me: Now do you believe me?

Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.

Me: Then who made all that ice?

Wife: *walks away*

Me: WHO?!

Me: I try not to make snap judgments.

Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.