Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
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An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.