Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
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Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
just make the entire table out of coaster
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”