Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.

FINE, it was me!

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.

Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.

Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this

[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd

Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.

The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.

Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals

On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.

Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.

Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”

I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.

If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving

I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers

The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.

*6 opens piggy bank*

Me: wtf where’d you get all that?

6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know

Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.

Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.

Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*

Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.

When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.

Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!

“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”

First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”

My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.

Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed

Audience:

Jim Carrey: all righty then