Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
You Might Also Like
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
When does CPR become necrophilia?
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Yes that is a knife in my pocket, and no I’m not happy to see you.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.