Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
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T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Breaking news:
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.