Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
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I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.
Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
I love ketchup from my head to-ma-toes
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
found a horse’s reddit account
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?