Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
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If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.