Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*

When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house

me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?

3: it smells hot

Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole

banker: you’re spending more than you bring in

me: god forbid i’m good at something

Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”

Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop

BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear

If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”

The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.

me: I’m in a terrible mood

friend: try drinking some water

me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated

[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.

good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*

[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]

If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.

cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town

me: but if you were, what bus would you take

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

*On date*

Her: hey, how are you?

Me: yeah really g..

BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.

Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?

I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it

when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances

Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.

I get it fish, my body is also beer battered