Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!

Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.

This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.

My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked

Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.

Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Show me your pushy.

– Sean Connery shext

MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.

[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.

“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.

Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.

EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!

my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.

me [sneezes]: excuse me.

guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.

Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.

I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.

You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????

My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.

That eye roll….

“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica

A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.