Are these grass-fed oranges?
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When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you