Are these grass-fed oranges?
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You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Finally!
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
I have a new favorite meme page
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.