Are these grass-fed oranges?
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Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
smh
Me when my alarm goes off
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*