Are these grass-fed oranges?
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It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be