Are these grass-fed oranges?
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If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
This one never gets the credit it deserves
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”