Are these grass-fed oranges?
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friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
what?
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
are there any atheist mantises?
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!