If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
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Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED