Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This could be us, but you weedin’.

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days

11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?

WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.

ME: oh yeah? How much?

WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.

Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.

Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.

Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.

The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”

LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*

(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.

Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.

I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

The ways printers are like kids:

1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline

[Funeral]

Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”

Widow: “Please do”

Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”

Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”

(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before

Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨

him: what are you looking for on this dating site?

me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.

It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.

Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.

[funeral home]

DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.

Why aren’t more people talking about this?

Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.

{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit

My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.