Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
You Might Also Like
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
A decision was made here.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem