Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
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yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
There is no “we” in pizza
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
what kind of cook setting is this??
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.