Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?
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Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok