Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?
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*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Tell me you get it…🤣
