Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
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In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.