Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
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If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
goldfish mafia
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
i choose….tongue
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Rather alarming headline…
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.