“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
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me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
