“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
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WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Our lord and savoury.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact