“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
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Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot