“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
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I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house