Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
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Yes my dude
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
happy mother’s day❤️
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.