Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
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Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
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Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Gonna stop calling it a mammogram and start referring to it as Squishmallows.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.