Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.

[Dentist chair]

Him: Lie back and open wide

Me: At least buy me dinner first

Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this

Me: *typing* Too late

I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.

I wanted something with no strings attached.

Me: [cracks open a can of beer]

Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”

I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.

🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!

“Sir, place ur order or hang up”

So inspired right now.

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!

I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.

It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.

they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.

I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.

My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.

*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN

[restaurant]

waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?

me: no but I know how to order food

It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses

why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?