Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.
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I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Generation gap…
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone