Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire

smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good

Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.

zoologist 1: whale

zoologist 2: we used that name already

zoologist 1: shark

zoologist 2: we used that name too

zoologist 1: whale-shark

zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango

Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.

What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?

My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.

[buys a single banana]

87,000,000 fruit flies.

I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.

Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards

When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”

I know this now.

Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.

Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.

it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that

Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.

“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM

My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.

Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?

Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon

Him: you mean secret ingredient?

*catapult launching sound*

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it

MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”

End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.