are they though??
You Might Also Like
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.