are they though??
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I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Finally! 😈
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool