Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

i’m having this made into a welcome mat

Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried

I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad

Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?

Only in case of fire?

Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.

My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor

If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.

Thought for the day:

Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?

Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss

my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans

what scares me is that she didn’t care

My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”

I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.

*buys everyone a drink*

What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.

My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.

Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!