Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”

Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”

So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times

Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.

” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information

Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.

Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids

“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

Me: I like reading funny jokes and watching cat videos

Twitter algorithm: Here’s someone getting run over by a car and people arguing about politics

Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.

Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.

Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?

Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.

Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.

Colleagues: “You look tired.”

Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.

Probably my best painting.

If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”

Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.

An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.

me: would you like beans?

3: no

me, trying to instill manners: no…what?

3: no beans

I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.

Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?

Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.

Godspeed, John Glenn