Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.

When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”

~Me passing out candy on Halloween

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.

cop: do you know how fast you were going?

me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy

the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one

serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?

I need a long hot meteor shower

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.

If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you

Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!

“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”

Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.

Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?

Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.

Joker: No I…wait, what?

*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*

Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”

when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of

WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?

Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!

Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.

Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.

“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me

My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.

I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.

if i had a bf i’d be a gf

They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

The average person eats 8 spiders a year

*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”

I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”