Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”

Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”

My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.

What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.

Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!

Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.

They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣

wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep

“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles

Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.

When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.

why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

Kidnapper: we have your wife

Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’

I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.

Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.

“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.

Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack

Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage

Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.

My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.

sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal